The Dutiful Spouse

I got called twice by the press, and did an on-camera interview today regarding Mrs. Spitzer. I had been thinking about her as I drove into work, her best poker face invoked as she took her husband's side. The journalist asked, "what might she be thinking?"


There are two scenarios. I hope it is this first case.
Silda Spitzer is a highly differentiated woman who has made an adult commitment to be married for better or worse. She knows her husband has been involved in a very unseemly situation. She sees him looking badly. It is his behavior that warrants condemnation. She has been the loyal spouse, attentive parent, and helpmate in many ways. They will certainly have many words in time. She recognizes the immediacy of responding to the public disgrace now, and then when it is safe to fully focus on her own needs, she will assert to her partner how this experience has been for her. She will expect a private, heartfelt apology, one that involves true repentence, which includes not putting her or the family through this again. If he needs professiona help, he should seek it out. If they are struggling to get over a sense of betrayal,perhaps a couples therapist is in order.

Scenario Two. I hope this is not the case.
Mrs. Spitzer is poorly differentiated from her husband, meaning his behavior has a defining quality in Mrs. Spitzer's understanding of herself. She stands next to him during his apology is a state of shock, not feeling that she has any choice not to do so. She feels victimized, and is cloudy and guilty about what her part in this might be. Had she been neglectful and unappreciative of the changes in Eliot as he took on the heady role of governor? Was she too wrapped up in the activities and formative years of their three daughters? Is she had sustained more interest in sex, or had been more game about some of Eliot's prclivities, would he have not wandered?

There is a continuum between these two options. Perhaps Silda Spitzer, raised and educated in a religious home, turns to God for her comfort and sense of self. With a sense of humor, she may see herself as a female Job, crying out that maybe this suffering is too much. She may see herself as an old-style saint, misunderstood and paying dearly for it. These wracking dilemmas will surely provoke her need to self-soothe. Hopefully, she has come far enough to figure out a bit of that.

I also hope for Eliot that as the dust settles and in spite of a potential identity crisis, he is able to reflect upon the loyalty demonstrated by this wife, and that he can go toward her as her equal, not groveling as an errant boy, or bullying as an arrogant man, but as a humble man, a humbled man, who now has an even deeper understanding of "for better or worse", and shows up for himself, his wife, and his family. Best of luck to you all.